ARIES

You know that dream where you go to work and everyone is staring and pointing at you. They smile and they laugh. You look down, and there you are standing naked in front of your co-workers. Well one day this week.... it's not a dream.

TAURUS

While on one of the UO islands you come across an old lamp. Naturally, you rub it and out pops a genie! And the genie grants you one wish... "Anything you ask for shall be yours. It shall rain down upon you in a shower of riches!" You can't believe your good fortune. What to wish for... gems, jewelry, gold, silks, your mind is racing. In a moment of frustration from all of your choices you mutter "oh crap"..... guess what?

GEMINI

One night this week you lay sleeping, happy as a baby. You feel your better half give you a gentle nudge and say "I'm horny". A big grin comes across your face, you roll over ready for the night of your life and yep, there they are.... horns, right on top of the head.

CANCER

In an effort to make the realm more realistic, tennis comes to UO this week! You can't wait to get out onto the courts for cyber-tennis! However, during your match, you come to dispute a call and choose to vigorously contest it with the chair umpire. The chair umpire promptly jumps down out of the chair, and beats you to a lifeless pulp. If you would have bothered to use allnames before the match started, you would have seen that the name of the chair umpire was "John McEnroe".

LEO

Guys, this week while shaving you have the hardest time getting those sideburns even. Fortunately, about halfway up over your ears and to the back of your neck, you get them juuuuuuuuust right. Ladies, you wake up this week and find that the old problem of drawing in your eyebrows to make them thicker is gone. You now have one big bushy eyebrow.... across both eyes.

VIRGO

While hunting around the hall, your hear a maiden yell out ORCSHI*, then you see Lady Ravine charge past you wielding a sword. STAY THE HELL OUT OF HER WAY!!!!

LIBRA

While hunting at the hall, a pack of warriors approaches and asks, "Loyalist or rebel?" You reply "rebel" and they kill you dead. After ress'ing, the same pack comes upon you and asks, "Loyalist or rebel?" This time you grab your sword, thrust it into the air, and yell. "Loyalist. Death to the rebels!"... and they kill you dead.

SCORPIO

UO gm's announce that they have improved upon the "timewarp" bug that has been wiping out hours of playtime each time the system crashes. Unfortunately, now when you log back in, you are dressed like a transvestite, and a professor behind a desk appears and says... "It's just a jump to the left..."

SAGITTARIUS

Lord British selects you to give a speech in Britain's lovely park about the many wonders of UO. Getting butterflies, you remember the old trick of picturing the audience in their underwear. This works fine until you come to old Glade because you recall that he doesn't... well... you get the idea.

CAPRICORN

Casinos come to UO! Being the gambling type, you saunter into a casino and sit yourself down at a blackjack table. You look up to see that Strongbow is your dealer. (Can you see this one coming?) Yes, it's inevitable, your first two cards tally up to nine and you look up and say... "Hit me!"

AQUARIUS

Bad news... Tizer returns to TGC and re-takes his rightful place as leader of Tel'Mithrim. You are simply tossed aside. However, to keep your spirits up, he does appoint you to a special position on the council.... Your job is to field all of the complaints from Laer and Tael.

PISCES

Have you been enjoying the horrorscope? Good, because as you've been reading, a virus has been erasing your hard drive. Now, now, don't be upset. Look at all the room you have for UO's 2nd Age!