I've traveled many lands it's true and some I can't recall,
And I think that no matter how far I go, I'll never see them all.
I've traveled countries so far across like fine Merideas,
And some I've traveled were drops in a pond; I walked across in days.
And many I've met, and many I've seen, it's one reason I became a writer.
But one I'll remember to my dying day is Valdric the vegetarian fighter.

You've heard of Fates, monsters and gods, and the man who would not die.
You've heard of elves and dwarves and such, and the beholder's devastating eye.
You've heard of orcs and trolls I'm sure, and nasties by the score.
I've covered most, I just don't think that I can name any more.
Well dragons and treasures and maidens are great, but now I just don't care.
For I have seen Valdric and all of these things to him just don't compare.

Eight foot four he stood to tower over men,
You'd look at his boots, get up to his knees, and look back down again.
He wore a helmet with horns, and a half moon ax, that made you think, "Beware!"
And his boots and his hat and his face and his arms were covered with three inch hair.
Then you'd get to his eyes, and notice his smile, and think that the world just got brighter,
And his four foot girth, yes that's him, Valdric the vegetarian fighter.

We met at a court I've traveled to some, and thought that I'd stay at awhile,
I've relatives there, or so some might say, at the court of squire Logan of Guille.
He had just come in, and been offered some meat, and regretfully had to decline,
He said, "Though a rare treat, I will not eat meat, Have you some turnips and wine?"
All talking stopped, and everyone stared, and one of the ladies just swooned then.
Then all down the hall, the fighters stood up, turned and dropped trou and then mooned him.

But Valdric just stood there, through the snickers and jeers, and politely resaid his request.
Squire Logan roared, "Be quiet you all! I'll not have you laugh at a guest!"
Then the men were abashed though they still stood and stared, and they brought him some wine and some cheese.
While he sat next to me, I was startled to see on his ax was engraved a small tree.
I then asked him why, and he winked his right eye, said, "All plants are at fault,
My family died, with me still a child, at the hands of those murderous kamphault!"

We talked for a while, of him as a child, and quickly became fast friends.
And all the next week, we were seen round the keep, chatting and laughing again.
And every now and then you'd see us off on an errand or foray,
And once in the kitchen (or on our way out) saw the fair lady Gwinneth Anorae.
She looked very worried, we asked what was wrong, she said that the squire was to assault
Off to the border, with most of his men, to fight off an army of kamphault.

"Kamphault!", cried Valdric as he loosened his ax, "I'll carve them and eat them like beets!"
And then off he raced, while swinging his ax, as fast as would move his two feets.
All the way to the battle, without stopping once, I heard that the fighter did run.
And then when I got there, at close to days end, I found that he was almost done.
Sore bestead was the army, until he got there, they'd fight and then slowly retreat.
But then in rushed Valdric, and he swung his great ax, and he mowed down the kamphault like wheat.

Aye, his half-moon cut trunks, cut branches and berries, and he munched on the pieces the while.
But they marched in by scores, and hundreds and thousands, to fight with his weed whacking smile.
When he had finished, he looked round for more, and was startled to hear a great roar.
Crying, "Valdric the fighter! A warrior true! May he live on forever more!"
Then he fell to the ground, and squire Logan looked round, and asked me what I thought did hap.
Then I laughed right out loud, and I said to the crowd, "I think he faints at the sight of sap."

And those who could hear, laughed with great cheer, and Valdric woke up and looked round.
Then louder they cheered, as Valdric they neared, and they carried him right into town.
That day he was piled with awards for his deeds, the squire made him part of the court.
Now I've traveled on, and long I've been gone, but I still know where I'll find my sort.
For when I am weary of the world and it's cares, of the stress and tension tighter,
I can go see my friend, Who is there till the end, Valdric the vegetarian fighter.